Feb 27 2008
Beowulf: it’s still not for kids
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Everyone who read Beowulf in high school raise their hands. O.K., now all of you who either enjoyed reading it or remembers what it’s about, keep your hands raised. I’m guessing there aren’t many hands up because most people thought reading Beowulf in English class was the height of drudgery. It was for me and I like mythology.
So when I received a review copy of the unrated director’s cut of Beowulf from Click Communications, I was hoping to have my faith restored in epic poetry and mythic hereos. Here’s the movie description:
In the age of heroes comes the mightiest warrior of them all, Beowulf. After destroying the overpowering demon Grendel, he incurs the undying wrath of the beast’s ruthlessly seductive mother who will use any means possible to ensure revenge. The ensuing epic battle throughout the ages, immortalizing the name Beowulf.
Academy Award® winner director Robert Zemeckis tells the oldest epic tale in the English language with the most modern technology, advancing the cinematic forum through the magic of digitally enhanced live action. A stellar cast is led by Ray Winstone (“The Departed,” “Sexy Beast”) in the title role. Joining him are Academy Award winner Anthony Hopkins as the cursed King Hrothgar, John Malkovich, Robin Wright Penn, Brendan Gleeson, Crispin Glover, Alison Lohman and Angelina Jolie as Grendel’s mother.
Sounds cool right? Well, Beowulf ended up being an R-rated Shrek. I wouldn’t recommend showing it to even the most mature teenager since it’s violent, gory, and there’s too much sex and lust. First, Hrothgar, King of the Danes disrobes, and tells his people to make merry. (And boy do they ever.) I love Anthony Hopkins, but don’t want to see a nude cartoon version of him doing pelvic thrusts. Ick.
Then super hottie Beowulf shows up (Ray Winstone) to fight Grendel. And he must disrobe to do so. (Can you say beefcake?) It’s amusing - and distracting - to see how the director always placed something in front of Beowulf to hide his crotch. Of course, Grendel’s mom (Angelina Jolie) is naked too and she gets it on with Beowulf, his predecessor and his heir, which doesn’t exactly happen in the original tale. Oops.


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